The Perils and Cost of Caring About What Other People Think

And how to cut that out

Hi friends,

Firstly thank you for subscribing to The Broad Place Letters. These are a place where I share concepts, models, ideas, teachings and things going on for me and for our students, and a whole lot more. That anyone bothers to read these (and so many of you do as our open rate is excellent thanking you) lights me up no end. That some of you support with a small monthly fee and write comments and respond, as a writer it brings me a deeper sense of faith in what I can contribute.

To be a writer and teacher and put yourself out there is frankly horrifying. Teaching and coaching is wonderful, you get an instant feel for if it’s landing and you also receive feedback. As a writer, it’s often pushing things out into what feels like a complete void. It is a fresh cream layer cake of the Inner Critic raining down fresh hell each time I hit send on one of these, or do some dorky face to camera Instagram video, and then at times the self doubt and loathing can become a real tornado.

And for whatever universal reason, in all the One on One Coaching sessions I have done this week, with a few Mentoring sessions sprinkled in with meditation teachers I have trained - the same thing kept coming up for them - the old ‘how do I do what my work requires of me and put myself out there without going into a self loathing shame spiral??’ For some this was corporate networking, for one it was interacting with school parents, another was asking for investment, there was managing marketing, and all kinds of self promotion.

Well well well, it just happens that I have a series of things I do, that have been for the past 12 years of The Broad Place the only way I have survived what I consider to be the hellscape of socials and the internet, alongside the fires of self promotion and marketing (vomit).

So let’s get stuck into some tools and tricks that might help. If you are a totally self assured, utterly confident individual that never questions how you appear to people and doesn’t question anxiously if you’re coming across like a dickhead - don’t bother reading on. If you’re like the 99% of us, that have strong confident days and then the odd What The hell Moment, or perhaps month, and have your confidence rocked by something actually insignificant that destroys you nonetheless - then hopefully some of this will help. They are my rudders and sail that keep me going in the right direction.

1. YOUR MANTRA - Repeat after me ‘what other people think of me is none of my business’. Let this be your instant mantra when the thoughts creep in. It truly is not up to any of us to decipher or invest in what other people think, aside from a very tight knit crew of valuable people we can count on to give us honest feedback. Mostly though we are worried about what everyone else thinks. None, of, our, business.

2. IT’S CHAOS TO CARE - Cue this diagram ; I used to teach this to teens, and now I teach it to everyone. There’s something about seeing it drawn like this that drills in, ‘why would I do this crazy'?’
   

3. KNOW YOUR OWN EGO - Mine has a particular thing going on, as does yours. Our ego’s don’t push in on what’s not true, but tend to pick on threads of old wounds to really sucker punch us. Example; never has my ego said ‘you were so shy and introverted at the party’ and I have felt my belly do a flip. It’s more likely saying ‘good god why did you say SO much, you’re too much, you probably offended people’ and I get anxiety about that because, that could honestly be true hehe.
   So to avoid shame spiralling, I deliberately don’t do things that will kick that door open. Why invite our ego in through the door to sit by the fire and have a cup of tea?? Example; I like talking and teaching so videos make sense, BUT I don’t do fancy recordings on video for socials; I don’t have excellent lighting, and a blow wave and a line-less static face with dewy skin etc, and I DO NOT re-record or edit unless I sneezed or similar. Once my old senior dog farted and I actually choked on camera and yes that one had to get redone. But seriously unless it’s a major thing, I just roll with it, imperfect and whatever. It means there are umms and ahhs and I scratch my face and little is perfect. And this is because I DETEST watching myself on screen. I would rather just throw whatever is real up into the internet, than have to watch it back, edit it, listen to my voice over and over, and then kick open the door to alllll the self criticism and questioning that comes with it. I watch videos of myself with such a critical eye and then start thinking ‘maybe I dooooo need botox’ and all sorts of hellish thoughts, so I just avoid putting myself in that line of fire. The point being, if you know something will make you feel like hell, find a workaround.

4. UNDERSTAND YOUR PERSONALITY AND EGO - Getting to really know your own personality and ego structure can be incredibly liberating. Once you can see the matrix of thought patterns and belief structures and where your ego fires up, then it loosens its chokehold and you can make wiser decisions on what you will and won’t listen to, or do. Recommendations with this include a daily meditation practice, excellent therapy with someone you trust, supportive and challenging coaching (you can work with me if you like), daily journaling and inquiry, and this one is really important - not rushing and pushing yourself so hard. When we are tired, burnt out and pushed, it’s like throwing kerosene on our ego and crunchy parts of our personality. We want smoothness, cohesion, grace, kindness and compassion towards ourselves. Don’t burn too hard.

We have limited time here on earth in this body. Using it wisely, kindly, and with self knowledge and wisdom is a choice. Investing our precious time that can never be retrieved again in worrying about what other people may or may not think of us is time we can never get back. Caring what WE think about ourselves, holding ourselves in integrity, living in alignment, moving from the heart, checking in with ourselves, being accountable, learning and growing - this is what it can be all about!

With love,

Jac

I work one on one with people through the modality of Integrated Coaching if you want to work with me we can have a chat together.

Also I work with teams and small groups. My current work lately has been around
- The Neuroscience of Creativity and Innovation ; unblocking creativity, overcoming self doubt and shifting mindsets through working with neural networks and remapping
- Fear and Flow ; combatting the fears surrounding AI and workplace restructures, and unlocking the opportunities for creativity and innovation that are ripe at the moment
- Mindset Resets; when what worked no longer works, and actively driving what does
- Mind Ninjas - the practices and tools needed to meet each moment with adaptability and flexibility - from growth, research and development through to workflow and customer service and sales
- Banishing Burnout ; understanding the somatics and psychology of personal burnout and engaging in sustainable practices for greater stability

Some feedback from my work with Atlassian “Jacqui is an incredible master of her craft. She took our leadership team through a carefully curated program developed specifically for our needs, and was able to bring a true sense of wellness to a completely remote offsite - no mean feat! Everything made for a truly immersive experience. The program put our most senior leaders in the right headspace to step away from the busy calendars and embrace self-learning. We’ll be welcoming her back!” - Amy Glancey, Chief of Staff, Atlassian.

If you feel your team or workplace would benefit from a workshop or program email me jacqui@thebroadplace.com.au