Reflections on a year

A rodeo I didn’t know I was capable of riding

This is the time of year when I dive deeply into reflections and learnings. This past year has been a powerful one for me, a full rodeo I didn’t know I was capable of riding. It’s been a year of acceptance and learning to work with, rather than swim upstream against; a skill I thought I had but Existence apparently thought I needed to learn much more deeply how to apply this. It has been a year of love, moving into a more tender rhythm in my relationship of 14 years with the most phenomenal man I have ever met as we undergo a lot of change. Our daughters last year of school and her soon to occur move to another part of Australia has brought with it a storm of different feelings. My friendships have been my constant, with them I find so much solace, deep belly laughs, connection. A place for pondering and questioning enriched with so much trust. Our students are my constant inspiration, they’re capacity and heart centeredness and vulnerability, whether in the midst of a diagnosis or death -looking it all steadily in the eye, moves me in ways that are of the other realms, the realms that reach far beyond the humans mind’s capacity to understand.

I have spent much time in these realms this year. Deep silence and meditation and connection to Self. Creative projects that meander with their goal unclear but their rewards high. These realms hold the spaciousness that are needed when you are with someone you love deeply, as they contemplate taking their own life. These realms are the liminal places I need to keep a foot in as a student crumbles, physically, spiritually, emotionally under the weight of their longing for their child who has permanently passed into those realms, who is no longer here in physical form. The unbearable becoming not bearable, but liveable, a whole new place to inhabit. It’s been a year since a man we loved deeply died, and I led a spoken meditation about his memory that bought me such breath taking anxiety I didn’t know if I could actually lead it. I clung to my husband with a kind of physical pain that I felt guilty for having as I looked upon his divine daughters being so damn brave. As my time to share approached, golden crested cockatoos descended around us, and as I had them already written into my meditation and I had to simply see it as a sign, and get my shit together and proceed. All that is needed is the smallest next step. These are when we need connection to the other realms, when we surrender in our insignificance, bend our knee to the unknown, and open our hearts to the the enormous significance that surrounds every moment.

And as I move further into perimenopause, the Great Unshedding Of All That Is Irrelevant, I come to closer terms with what this transformation that is happening inside of me looks like. My decisions this part year have been like a magic eye puzzle, evidently present but also out of focus and I can now with delight see how they all actually come together, beautifully snug pieces of a puzzle. I decided after a 25 year hiatus to start surfing again. My newly established fear of sharks, deep oceans, and hurting myself with a hunk of fibreglass I had to learn to live with, as I paddled a longboard out into walls of water and sitting on my board quietly with dark shapes moving underneath clear turquoise water (hoping they were just rocks). Where I live there is an abundance of sea life, so I had to align that the sharks were present, but also so where the dolphins that glided past me, and the huge ancient turtles that would pop their heads up right next to my board (that scared the absolute shit out of me at first), and if I wanted to be a part of this glorious world, with salt on my skin and the thrill of working with moving water, then my fears had to simply be present to the whole stunning experience in equal proportion to everything else. To try to pretend they weren’t valid, or pretend that I wasn’t scared wouldn’t suffice. I just had to feel all the feelings, and expand myself so that they didn’t take up all the air time and rob me of the beauty and presence that surfing brings.

This surfing experience led me to also buy my Dream Car, my surf mobile. When I was 18, I wanted a 60 series Landcruiser so badly, and I was talked out of it. They’re a pain in the arse, expensive, often riddled with issues, hard to drive (they’re so enormous) and a list of why not to get one is extensive to an an anxiety driven Virgo like myself. But when I moved back to Australia from Spain when I was 24, and decided The Time Was Now for this adventure vehicle. But I found out shortly afterwards that I was pregnant, and suddenly Being Practical seemed really important for a mid twenties baby myself that had no idea how to be pregnant let alone parent. The sacrifices, the challenges and the million things I can’t put words to about being surprised with a pregnancy at the worst possible time and raising a child when none of my friends my age were, absolutely rinsed me for years. Almost 18 years of being rinsed actually. But I mean, look at that face…

That face has seen me through a divorce. Those tiny hands in mine have been with me in bankruptcy and single parenting and moving house so many times and juggling way too many things. Those clear eyes loved my now husband, her now father the moment they laid eyes on him, and that tiny mouth pronounced when we all moved in together ‘you know I called him in right, he’s here for me more than you’ with absolute confidence and clarity. This tiny thing that only wears ‘boys clothes’ and has since aged two said that calling them ‘boys clothes’ is ridiculous they are just clothes, proudly wore a little white dress when I married Arran. A marriage 12 years ago that before it happened I begged him to be certain of, as I truly thought I would never, ever marry ever again. And he simply said with you I am committed to a life of excitement, and it will never be boring, and I am sure. And suddenly it all made sense and I stopped fighting everything and surrendered and my little six year old girl stood by my side and we committed to this man in front of people we loved.

And yet, now, suddenly all my friends have toddlers, and I have a beautiful young woman who can drive herself around. A young woman who came home proudly with a huge tattoo on her arm. A young woman who gives zero fucks What I Think About That Tattoo. So whilst many of my friends have been changing nappies and angsting about child care fees and juggling whether to work or stay home, I have found a freedom I didn’t know I needed so deeply, that once it arrived it took my breath away. And so this car, nicknamed my Mid Life Crisis Car by my husband and close friends, became a symbol of freedom for me. I have never been a car head (my Dad is obsessed) so my love for this thumping V8 engined hunk of metal that I have to hoist myself up into she is so large, also took me by surprise. She represents freedom and adventure, and interestingly, safety. A safety that comes with a level of hyper suspension I definitely don’t need as am not going through sand dunes, and yet also a snorkel in case I need to drive through bodies of water, which post the Northern Rivers floods, brings with it a sense of comfort. Also kitting her out with camping gear and awnings and all the fun things has been nothing short of unreal. All of this ads to the freedom experience of being able to put my head up and head out anywhere I want. A freedom that is like drinking a huge glass of water when you didn’t realise you were thirsty and are suddenly gulping the whole thing down greedily without a breath between gulps. The feeling I have now, is the breathe of that satisfying AHHHHHHH once the glass has been emptied, body heaving, slightly awestruck.

I have always admired my friends that go the extra mile, who instead of inviting everyone to a bar for their birthday set up an outdoor beach fire side dinner and drinks situation (like Ollie here). And this car brings all of that together for me, I have a little swag in her, and bits and pieces for ‘emergency enjoyment’ that fills my heart.

At the beginning of this year I went on a trip to India. A trip so seductive and beautiful, and also challenging towards the end as I grappled with being so sick and home sick that it brought me to my knees.

I returned to India in September to host what was simply the most gorgeous retreat with the most incredible people that each time I think back on it my heart glows. Dec 23 - Dec 24 I organised and hosted a total of 6 retreats. That so many people wanted to come and sit in silence for 7 and 10 days, join me in Byron Bay Hinterland and in India still lights me up, people’s dedication to their spiritual process and progress in an age where everyone is ‘too busy’ shows me that is not always true - thank god. I started teaching an evening class each week on philosophy and meditation at my friends studio (paid subscribers receive access to all of these talks that I also record here) and have met so many beautiful new students, many very young, very dedicated and again my heart lights up.

This past year I took a lot of time off to study, write, and to undertake my own personal practice. I deepened my meditation with three silent Retreats and undertook and learnt different techniques.

And with this, I became a much more aligned teacher. It seems obvious now, but it wasn’t at the time - as our psychology drip feeds us in ways it ascertains we can handle - and the obviousness comes later. I could physically feel the teachings shifting within me. As I led students through beautiful programs, and hosted Retreats, and mentored, and sat in devastation and grief, and Deathwalked and taught meditation, I could feel a rippling effect coming through me. And this year brought me to my knees as it taught me there REALLY is no Me with a big M. There’s just a little hard identifying me, and a Higher Self, that is not a single self, but a constant energy connected to all things. And for some unknown reason this knowing that I have seen in glimpses and in shimmers over decades, took on a more embodied form. And that was terrifying in moments, breathtaking in others, but mostly mundane, even boring. A consistent 24 hour witnessing of oneself from another space, once everything calms down, is actually hilariously, intensely and beautifully boring. I’ve heard it described as peaceful, but let’s be real, once you can’t star in your own melodrama anymore, it’s also pretty boring. Which is also pretty funny. And the thing I would have to say this year has gifted me is an intensity and a rawness, but also the gift of being able to see how ludicrous the whole game is. How absolutely doggedly, how gorgeously, how hilariously we move through the world as humans. I watch myself choosing the little photos I am going to pop in here, and penning the words, and feeling all the feelings as they overwhelm this little mind-body system, and getting nostalgic and all that stuff, and I feel so much love and tenderness for this human experience. I love the beautiful nonsense of it all. I love the love, the grief, the anger, the fury, the kindness, the humour, the compassion and all things that makes us human. I love that we can’t choose when these moments on connection to something larger take their place, but I love that when they do, we either take a deep breath, close our eyes and surrender or we seem to fight so hard to hold onto all that once was, all that is actually redundant and at an enormous cost.

And so my theme word for 2025 is FREEDOM. To explore freedom on even deeper levels, in the most unexpected, AND the most obvious places. To adventure into how far can I take freedom within this mind and body system, and not in Big Grand Ways (hehe I am not about to go on some Peruvian Ayuhuasca journey, I just realised it’s beginning to sound like that), but exploring in the smallest of ways. In the beautiful mundane presence of every day life. I don’t want to leave stones or pebbles unturned that I will have to circle back to. So this will mean I will have to move slowly, with an intensifying presence. This means not rushing (one of my personalities big specialities). This means feeling ALL the feelings, and following my intuition on all counts. This is about working with all the realms all the time and not getting stuck in any. And I am going to working with our students on this theme also, for freedom is not freedom if only one person gets there. So what a year lies ahead!

If I can make a recommendation - look back through the past 12 months of photos on your phone - it’s always a part of my end of year process to - to ignite all the memories, it’s amazing how much we can forget.

And come join me on Jan 11th for a Masterclass on Expansion and Growth for 2025 which is going to be an utter delight. It’s going to be tool rich, and will bring much clarity, much joy, curiosity and connection to higher self and the other wonderful students on the call.
If you’re a Portal Member, I am gifting this to you as our 2025 kick start into what is going to be a rich year of learning and study together. If you haven’t received your code email info@thebroadplace.com.au and we will sign you up as our gift.

I’ll be emailing again soon with all that we have lined up for 2025. Without my small fry living with us, I have the freedom to explore the world and teach and travel in ways I never have! It’s shaping up to be remarkable year, we have a Meditation Teacher Training starting in Feb, and I will be teaching across Australia, and excitingly in London and across Italy multiple times - potentially even with a European Retreat. There’s also a new book I will be working on and I’ll share details soon!
Sending you so much love, kindness, and appreciation for being a reader and student of The Broad Place. I can’t tell you the amount of times this year I have thought ‘11 years and somehow we are still going’, it’s humbling, gratifying and keeps me focussed.

Jac xx